Folk Wisdom: What To Do When She’s Not (Ever) In The Mood?
Dear Duana,
Sid and I’ve been married for 12 years—and for 12 years, I’ve seen sex as a chore I do to give him what he needs, nothing more. It’s not that I find *him* unattractive; it’s more that the idea of sex with anyone at all is no more appealing than mopping or vacuuming. Let’s just say staying a virgin ‘til marriage was a snap in my case.
I’ve tried hiding my lackluster libido, even tried just saying Yes whenever Sid put on the moves. But he’s no dummy and of course he doesn’t find my attitude alluring. Not surprisingly, there’s not much sex in our marriage; he’s given up initiating, and I only start things every few months.
I could go the rest of Time without sex, so my primary concern is not for myself, but for Sid and our marriage. I love him, and I know it must be terrible for him to do without and to feel unwanted. But I don’t know what to do about my absent sex drive. I don’t feel a lot of hope about this –mostly sadness—but I like your column and I wonder, do you have any ideas or suggestions about how (or if) I can want to want sex more?
Emma
Dear Emma,
First, the bad news: Low desire is the #1 issue women express about their own sexuality. Large, well-run studies in the USA show that about a fourth of pre-menopausal women and over half of post-menopausal women have low desire. And across many studies, about 10-15% of women say they have *no* desire.
And you’re right, it’s tough on the other partner (usually a man) if one person (usually the woman) doesn’t want sex. As one male Love Science reader put it, “From a man’s point of view, trying to get a woman interested is the paradigm of life, [akin to] trying to light the fire again at home while walking in a world of forest fires.”
The good news is that when a problem is that prevalent, it gets Attention with a capital A. Scientists are continually working on helping women want to want to. And while they’ve not found a single, guaranteed Libido Lifter, there are quite a few possible solutions…which we’ll examine next week.
In the meantime, I’d like to ask our Wise Readers for their input: What do you think could help Emma to awaken her sexual desire? Please Click here to take this anonymous surveyand give your advice for next week’s article.
Cheers,
Duana
Do you have a question for Duana? Contact her at Duana@lovesciencemedia.com.
All material copyrighted by Duana C. Welch, Ph.D. and Love Science Media, 2011.
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Reader Comments (2)
No one would insist that a marriage partner must go without eating just because the other partner doesn't feel like cooking. Or go without summer vacations just because the other partner doesn't feel like traveling. Each person in a partnership is still a fully autonomous individual with her/his own gifts and desires. The idea that marriage partners have a "duty" to sacrifice their own gifts and desires for the good of the union . . . . well, it would be noble and praiseworthy if it were not so destructive in the long term. Better to be who one truly is, at all times, and modify the partnership agreement accordingly. That's my opinion now.
Hi, Tom,
Thank you for your insights; I'd like to respond to those more fully in/after the article post-survey, because your views have been explored in the research and the outcome is interesting...